Sam Notices
by emebalia
Summary: Tag to 8x01, so SPOILERS for that episode. Dean doesn't talk about Purgatory, however, Sam just has to watch his brother to get the picture.


**Sam notices**

Dean doesn't talk about Purgatory, of course not. He's Dean. When Sam asks about Purgatory he gets a vague answer of not good and ugly. Running for your life. Sam doesn't have the courage to ask if time is "different" in Purgatory. He isn't sure if he really wants to hear all the gory detail.

However, Sam just has to watch his brother to get the picture. He doesn't even have to look very closely.

Sam notices.

For one Dean has lost some weight. Dean had never been fat or something but you could see that he liked a good meal and the sweet life in the rare moments he could get it. He looks leaner now, fitter. His body is like a spring ready to snap. Always on the edge.

Sam notices.

Dean is aware of his surroundings, super aware. His eyes are always moving, scanning the area. A car driving by makes Dean flinch, a dog barking in the neighborhood makes him jump.

Sam notices.

When he sees Dean eating for the first time Dean just stares at his food for a long moment. Sam half expects him to start drooling. It's just a sandwich, a day old, bought at a gas station but Dean looks at it like it's the most delicious thing he has ever seen. With the first bite he closes his eyes and makes a nearly pornographic noise deep in his throat. Enough to make Sam blush.

Sam wonders what Dean had eaten in Purgatory and decides he doesn't want to know. Had Dean at least had a fire to cook something or had he eaten everything raw? Had he hunted it down himself or had he picked up the leftovers from others?

After a few seconds of nearly orgasmic pleasure Dean's eyes snap open and he scans the room before he takes another bite. The rest of the sandwich is gone within seconds. Eaten before somebody could snag it away. Gone before the distraction of eating could turn Dean into dinner for something else.

Sam notices.

Dean drinks the same way he eats. Even plain water seems to be delicious. However, after the first hesitant sip Dean gulps down the whole bottle within seconds. And then another one just because it was there. He would go for a third if Sam lets him. You never know when and if you find anything to eat or drink in Purgatory, Sam guesses.

Sam notices.

No alcohol. Nothing stronger than one beer, though. Even that has some effect on Dean. And Dean used to say Sam was the lightweight. Out of practice, no alcohol in Purgatory. That is the one change Sam could live with. Dean's drinking habit had worried him more and more in the past, so this was a plus. The only plus Sam could see so far. Besides the fact that Dean was back, of course.

Sam notices.

The first night they sleep in the same room Dean tosses and turns in his bed and at first Sam thinks he has a nightmare. Like back when Dean had returned from hell. But Dean isn't even asleep. He lies there in the dark, with wide eyes and listens into the night.

"Go to sleep", he says and Sam does. When he wakes up in the middle of the night he finds Dean's bed empty.

Suddenly wide awake Sam sits up, searching for his brother only to find him asleep in the corner of the room. Wrapped in a blanket he sits there, knees up to his chest, left forearm on top and his cheek nested in the crook of his elbow. It looks anything but comfortable. His right hand, however, is curled loosely around a wicked looking weapon. And Dean sleeps fully dressed. In his boots.

Sam's feet have barely reached the floor when Dean's eyes shoot open and the grip around the weapon tightens. He isn't moving besides his eyes rooming the area, searching for a threat. Finally they settle on Sam.

"Go back to sleep Sam", he says. "I'm good."

Sam notices.

The way Dean moves nowadays. He has always been a hunter. Now he moves like a predator.

Hunts have always been life or death, you or me, hunter or monster. When Sam sees Dean fight for the first time it's nothing like that. The determination to kill, with his bare hands if he has to, in Dean's attack frightens Sam. He doesn't think Dean enjoys the killing which would be bad but he doesn't believe Dean feels anything at all which is kinda worse. The kill is just something Dean has to do, as quickly and efficient as possible.

Sam notices.

Sam notices all the little things which tell him what life in Purgatory had been like. What his brother had to become to survive.

Sam notices.

And it breaks his heart.


End file.
